GAH!!!

Kay...so I think something is like...seriously wrong with me. Socially. Or something. Because ok, there's this dude who I think is really cute right...and well I was outside my building having a cigarette and I guess he was behind me and he was staying outside to smoke as well. Well he starts to talk to me just you know casual and everything he said I could only respond with short and half retarded answers. Like seriously what the fuck that could have been my freakin chance! Even if it wouldn't have ended in hot steamy passion (which Im sure it wouldn't) I still could have made a friend or at least a nice friendly CONVERSATION! But lately I've just...closed up. I spent years as a shy quiet little no body and I finally managed to bloom into someone who was able to speak her mind over the past few years and since I've been here I just...shut down. Im like a fuckin wilted flower or something. And it sucks because I got back to my room and sat down and for a few seconds I was on the verge of hysteria because it was like I was screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME' over and over in my head at about a million words a second! Like the guy even managed to remember my name and I probably came off as a total bitch or just...stupid. And I came here to have fun. Ive been holding myself back. It's one thing if you're being held back by a lover or parents or something like that but it's entirely different when you're holding yourself back. It's almost pathetic in a way. I feel like I have a lot to sort through and figure out and I also feel like it isn't going to be easy. Ive had all these issues that in the past Ive just kinda pushed to the back of my head and ignored them but I feel like everything is catching up to me now and it's slowing me down as a person because Im drowning in them! Im drowning in the issues that Ive ignored all these years. And I guess I only have two choices: sink or swim. Right? Unless someone wants to throw me a floatation device :)